I'll Tell You My Sins
by ImperiumWife
Summary: Ellie is all grown up, and it's time to share the story of her childhood with her fiance. My version of what happens after the "blue French horn incident" in the failnale. Trigger warnings for self-harm and depression.
1. It's Time

A/N: So, I couldn't help myself. I had to write this story. It was inspired by a short one shot that Kayla (swarley and sparkles 5ever) wrote (I'm pretty sure it's in the story 'random ramblings' if you are interested), and I haven't been able to get the idea out of my head since. I was going to wait even longer to post it, but then I heard Take Me to Church by Hozier, and that fueled the writing even more. I will be posting lyrics from that song to the beginning of some of the chapters, and the title is even based off of one line.

Basically, this is my fix it fic. Yet, it's not a fix it fic. It's what I believe would truly happen if the failnale had actually taken place, and it includes a small section that I wrote the day after. It's very different from all of the other things I've written. There are trigger warnings for self-harm and depression. It's dark, but it's a path I very much wanted to explore. I hope that you stick with it.

* * *

_**I'll Tell You My Sins **_

* * *

**Chapter 1- It's Time**

* * *

_Take me to church_

_I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies_

_I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife_

_Offer me that deathless death_

_Good God, let me give you my life_

* * *

"Will you marry me?"

"Yes."

It's a simple word, and she says it succinctly. It's not all that different from the way her mother answered her father all those years ago, but they'll never know that.

The tone afterwards, however, is much different from that of her parents, with both being in a state of excitement versus shock, so much so that she almost tackles him to the ground of the darkened patio.

Her dark brown curls fall down over her shoulders, as he helps her to a sitting position next to his strong frame.

As they catch their breath, leaning against the wall, she finally gets the chance to admire the ring.

"Hunter, this ring, it's so beautiful. How did you even afford this?" she questions, her bright blue eyes meeting his.

"Ellie, it's your mother's," is his succinct reply. She stares at him in shock.

"It can't be...she couldn't possibly still have this," she mumbles, her mind reeling. With everything she knows of her parents and her childhood, the thought of her still having this ring doesn't compute.

"She told me she wanted you to have it, and that you should have it. It's apparently from your father's family," he explains, stoking her back, trying to be there for her, even though he doesn't quite comprehend her panic.

"I know," she sighs. "He talked about it once." She leaves out the part that he lamented to her when she was just a young girl that he wished he'd never given it away, because she was a much more deserving girl, and that he thought it was gone forever. "I just... I can't believe she kept it all these years." She'd never, in her twenty-five years of life, had a reason to believe that her mother had kept the ring. She would have had so many reasons to believe otherwise.

"Why wouldn't she keep it?" He asks, trying to get his wonderful and loving new fiancée to talk. It wasn't like her to shut him out, yet now, she seemed as if she was in her own little world. "She loved your father, she told me she did. Just because he passed doesn't mean that her feelings would go away." Loved? Her mother and father hadn't been in love for years, and she sometimes wondered if they ever had been, with what they had done to each other.

"Hunter..." She tries to start exposing, but she can't make the words form on her lips. There was just so much he didn't know, so much she never shared about her tumultuous childhood. But now, now that she is wearing this ring, it's time.

"What?" he asks, and Ellie hesitates. "What? You know you can talk to me. This isn't one of those things you need to keep inside."

"I think... I think it's time I tell you the true story of my family." His hazel eyes, soft and caring, persuade her to go on. "My parents met in 2005. They were a part of the same circle of friends. They became something more than friends and then broke up and became friends again before finally getting engaged in 2012. They married six months later. Less than a year into their marriage, my mom got a job as a foreign correspondent and they traveled the world together."

"That sounds nice Elle. I don't get..."

"Please just let me finish," she interrupts, the rims of her eyes beginning to fill with tears. "This is going to be a hard enough story to tell as it is."

"Sorry," he apologizes, not fully understanding what he had done to hit such a nerve, but being sure to step out of her way just in case. "Go on."

"The honeymoon period didn't last forever," she explains. "Almost three years from the day of their wedding, they divorced."

"What?" he questions, his body flying forward in shock from the wall they are leaning against. "But, if I'm doing the math right, that would be 2015 or 2016. You weren't born until 2019." He continues to stare at her in shock, hoping that whatever she is going to say next will solve the disparity in his head.

"I know," she says, as she smiles weakly at him. "My parents divorced three years before my birth." He continues to stare, until a look of realization takes over. She's never really told him much about her childhood. All he really knew is that her father died when she was young. But she never explained, and he'd never had the heart to ask about him. There was much more to the story than he ever realized.

"Ellie, I'm sorry about going on earlier-"

"That's far from the end of the story."

"Oh," he mumbles.

"I didn't even know who my mom was during my childhood," she finally admits. It's more than she's ever shared with anyone she met in adulthood. It's one of those things about her she'd never share. Some things were meant to be private. But Hunter, well, if there was any advice she had gotten from her mother, it was that marriage involved communication, and lots of it. He had to know.

He throws her a questioning look, one that tells her that he's now really, really lost. But he'll get there. It just might take a while.

"I'm basically the product of a one night stand."

* * *

His life is pathetic. Here he is, a 44 year old man with no job, still picking up twenty year olds because he can't stop thinking about his ex-wife. He's the legitimate definition of a mess.

And yet, he keeps letting it happen. She shows up drunk and horny at his door, they fuck, and she's gone when he wakes up. Sometimes, he doesn't even believe it's real. Sometimes he sees her every month. Sometimes it's almost a year. But like clockwork, every time she shows up in New York, she's there.

This time, it's like all the rest. He opens the door to find her standing there looking at him.

He wants to say "Robin, why the fuck are you here?" but the words don't come out. He lets himself get taken over by her body, taken over by his own primal instincts. He knows his brain should tell her no, that this thing they do every time she comes back into town just throws him into a downward spiral that takes him weeks to get out of. But he CAN'T. He's still deeply in love with her. So deeply in love he can't stop. He'll never be able to stop.

So he gives her what she wants, even though he's sure that for her it's just good sex. He doesn't let himself breakdown in front of her. He puts on his mask, and lets it there.

Of course, he wakes up the next morning, the only evidence of her presence there the night before is the rumpled pillowcase.

He promises himself that this is going to be the last time, but he knows it won't. As long as she shows up, he won't be able to resist.

* * *

She doesn't know why she keeps showing up like this. Maybe is that she can never find someone that comes quite as close to him in the sex department. Maybe it's because she wants to forget what she gave up for one night. But whatever the cause, it's an addiction. She can't return to New York without stopping to see him at least once.

She regrets it every time. As soon as their bodies go back to being two, she feels the sinking in the pit of her stomach. She does her best to fall asleep, but it never happens, and she instead waits for him to fall asleep so she can play his old game. She feels guilty as hell, but her conflicting feelings won't allow her to stay in the place she once called home. They won't let her get comfortable. Because getting comfortable, well, that opens up too many doors she can't face.


	2. I'm Not Lying

**Chapter 2- I'm Not Lying**

* * *

_If I'm a pagan of the good times_

_My lover's the sunlight_

_To keep the Goddess on my side_

_She demands a sacrifice_

* * *

"So you're telling me your parents weren't together?" Hunter asks, shocked by the thought. In all the years he has known Ellie, he never even suspected that she could have had a childhood like that.

"Yes."

"Ellie..." he says, hanging his head.

"It's okay. It really is."

"But your parents..."

"They were apparently the kind of people that knew how bad they were for each other, but couldn't stay away," she explains, calm in comparison.

"And your mom got pregnant."

"Yeah."

"That still doesn't explain..."

"She didn't want a child. I was raised by my father. And only by my father. She left."

* * *

The next time she shows up at his door, he can tell something is off. She doesn't immediately grab and push him to the bedroom. Instead she walks in the door, sits down on the couch, and starts playing with her hands.

He senses something very different, and closes the door, and plops himself on the chair across from her, making himself as comfortable as he can with her presence. He sits in silence, staring at the dent in the fridge, the dent she made years ago, because he can't bare to look at her. It seems like hours pass, yet he can't help but want to know what has brought her here without wanting to hump his brains out.

"Are you going to tell me why my couch is graced with your presence or-"

"I'm pregnant." He's silent, processing the information, trying to make sense of it all. But he doesn't see it for the admission it is. It doesn't take long for his to flip to anger.

"We've done this before," he starts to shout. "Don't get my hopes up again, Robin. I can't do this anymore."

"I'm not trying to get your hopes up," she shouts right back. "I can't believe that you would even say that to me."

"You do this every time you come into town Robin," he screams, his hands running through his hair, before lowering his voice. "You come screw me and my emotions, and you leave again. Don't play with me right now."

"I'm not trying to play with you!" she shouts, tears starting to well in her eyes.

"Robin, what's this about? Do you want to get back together? Cause if you do, you don't have to pull this," he rambles, not able to think clearly.

"For god sakes Barney! I don't want to get back together! I am trying to tell you I'm pregnant!" She screams. "Why can't you listen to me!? You never listen to me!"

"It's hard to listen to you when you lie to me!" he retorts, growing more frustrated by her presence by the minute.

"I'm not lying!" she screams, leaving an almost deafening silence in its wake. All he can do is stare at her, waiting for her to explain. "I went to the doctor," she continues, her voice hoarse with tears. "This isn't just a scare. It's real this time."

"Oh," is all he can mumble.

"I just thought you should know," she adds, her tone almost robotic.

"It's mine?" he asks, because it's the only question on his mind. He doesn't think she would be there telling him otherwise, but he still wants to hear it from her mouth.

"Yeah," she mumbles.

"Wow," he mutters, processing the idea. It makes him think about just how life might be different, how life would be so much different if they were still together, and how they are going to get through this. And for God sakes, was this a good thing or a bad thing?

"I'm not planning on keeping it," she adds quickly, turning away from him.

"What?" he asks, stunned. Here he was debating whether this could save them, and she already had different plans.

"I'm not keeping the baby. I'm getting an abortion." Her saying it again, confirming his worst thoughts, it makes his stomach sink. He may not want this this way, but he doesn't want it to end.

"Robin, don't..." He grabs her cheek and pulls her face back to face him.

"I've already made up my mind," she announces, determined and eager to get away from his stares. She knows that one word from him and her reserve will crumble. So she pulls away and off the couch as fast as possible, pacing her way towards the door.

"Why would you do that?" Why would she even tell him if she was just going to make it all go away? It doesn't make any sense to him. She must have wanted to. It's all he can think because she could have just as easily gotten rid of the situation and never told him.

He watches her pace as she works up the nerve to speak.

"Because I don't want to be a mom, Barney. I've never wanted to be a mom. I like my job, I like my life. Having this baby would stand in the way of all that." He can't argue with that. She does have a point. Their marriage couldn't even survive her career. A child certainly would hold her back. As much as he wants their baby, he couldn't put his child through that. His child. That could potentially never be yet again. He realizes just how much a child would change his life for the better. If he had a child, he could be with his friends again. He wouldn't have to be alone. He would have someone to love. He would have someone who would love him. The thoughts come so fast that the words come flying out of his mouth.

"So don't be a mom," he pleads. "Just because you have the baby doesn't mean you have to be a mom." Her pacing stops.

"That's ridiculous. Of course I have to be a mom."

"No you don't," he argues, because he doesn't want to let this go. He doesn't want to let the baby go. "Have the baby. I'll raise it. You don't have to be here at all. You don't have to be involved in its life at all. Just let me keep it."

"But Barney-" she chokes. "I can't-" She starts pacing again at a speed that his eyes can't even keep up with. He approaches her slowly, knowing her well enough to know that it's in both of their best interests to calm her down. "Everyone will know. Everyone will find out I abandoned my child."

"No they won't," he says, grabbing her by the shoulders to look her straight in the eyes.

"Of course they will. Everyone will ask where you got the baby, and they'll see it on my show, and I'll have to take time off of work..." She panics and tears away from him.

"No, he grabs her back and pulls her in for a hug this time." Listen. We can do this. You're never here. It's not unusual for you to be gone for 9 months at a time. All you have to do is stay away for the time that you're pregnant and then come back to New York to have the baby."

"That still doesn't help the work situation."

"If they can hide pregnancies on TV shows, I'm sure they can hide it on a news show." He can see her pondering the idea, and he prays, harder than he's ever prayed before, just to get this one last chance.

"You really want this don't you?"

"Yes," he nods. "No one ever has to know. Not even the baby."

"Are you sure about this?" she questions, looking into his eyes for the confirmation that this is the right choice, that she should do this.

"I've never been more sure about anything in my entire life."

"It means that you are going to be a single dad," she reminds him, almost hoping in any way to talk him out of it.

"I don't care," he insists. "I want my baby."

"Alright," she sighs. "I'll do it, but no one can ever find out."

"Deal."

* * *

_A few weeks later_

It's just about lunch time in Japan, so when she sees her phone light up, she's surprised. She debates answering it, just for the pure and simple fact that she isn't sure why Lily is calling. Yet, Lily didn't call her often these days, and she figures whatever it is she has to talk about might be important.

"Robin?" Lily questions, apparently not expecting her to answer the phone.

"Hi Lily? What's up?"

"I uhh, have some news for you," Lily says tentatively.

"News? Is everyone okay?"

"Yeah, I... You just need to hear this before you find out some other way." Robin's stomach drops. She knows exactly what this call is.

"Lily, you're scaring me."

"Barney, um, he's going to be a dad."

"What?" Robin does her best to act surprised.

"We got together for robots vs wrestlers, and he told us."

She looks down at her slightly protruding bump, praying that Lily doesn't know too much. She and Barney are good liars, but if anyone could get the truth out of them, it would be Lily.

"Ummm, how?" Robin asks, to play up the charade. She has to be curious, has to pretend that she has no clue, or it will look mighty suspicious.

"I'm sorry Robin," is all Lily can say.

"No," Robin demands, because that's what Lily would expect. "I want to know how. Who is she?"

"The last girl of a perfect month. He keeps calling her number 31. I'm sorry. I don't know anything more. If it helps, he doesn't seem excited," Lily adds. Robin can't help but worry at that comment. It was all he wanted when she was in New York a few weeks ago. Had she made a mistake?

"You okay?" Lily asks, after hearing silence on the other end of the line. She hated to be the bearer of bad news, but Robin needed to know.

"Yeah. I think I'll be okay. Thanks for calling me, Lil."

"You're welcome, Robin. And if you need me-"

"I'll call. Bye."

"Bye."

Robin knows that Lily would be her last phone call.

* * *

She sits on her hotel bed later that night. She can't take it anymore. She has to know about the story from Barney.

_-Did the perfect month really exist? Am I really 31 in a month? _

She types fast and hits the send button before she can stop herself. His reply comes within the minute.

_-31 was the number of your Canucks jersey. I thought it was fitting. I take it someone told you? _

_-Lily. She said you weren't excited. It made me question if I made the right choice. _

_-Robin, I want this baby, but I have a cover to protect. If you really want this to work, you have to trust me and not listen to everything lily says, okay? _

_-Okay _


	3. Halfway

**Chapter 3- Halfway **

* * *

A/N: I realized a few days after I posted that I completely forgot to write an author's note for the last chapter, and it was the one I really wanted to write a note for for this entire story. I wrote a majority of the last chapter on April 1 last year. It was my make it through story to get out my emotions. I wasn't ever planning on posting it, and then I started this story, and it just happened to work. I hope you enjoy the latest chapter. It's short, but it's short for a reason.

* * *

_That looks tasty_

_That looks plenty_

_This is hungry work_

* * *

She finally had made it back to London, which meant more time in home base number two. Unfortunately, that also meant more time with her chirpy English camera girl, Lydia, because somehow, WWN could only afford to spring for one apartment for the both of them. The thing was, most days, she liked her. She wasn't like Patrice, but since her "condition" happened to take over her life, the little things Lydia did and said rubbed Robin the wrong way.

"Robin? Everything okay?" Lydia asks, after finding Robin on the couch drinking tea and staring into the distance. Recently, Robin, lover of scotch and cigarettes, noticeably quit smoking and drinking cold turkey. She wanted an explanation, but she couldn't figure it out. Robin would answer that she wasn't in the mood, or that she was stressed, but Lydia already knew that the way that Robin Scherbatsky got rid of stress was to pour herself a glass of something strong. The further time went on, the more suspicious she became. She watched her gain weight, yet hardly eat anything, especially foods she usually loved. She watched the strong, caring career woman that she had grown to appreciate, become annoyed at her every move, and spend hours on the couch in misery. She tried to get her out of the house, but even that didn't work. She just claimed she was tired.

Needless to say, Lydia was at her wits end. Until an email from Robin's boss requesting a shot switch to headshots only.

Then it clicked. The one woman wonder that is Robin Scherbatsky is pregnant, and as Lydia suspected, in supreme denial. But as the only person that normally saw her, Lydia needed to know. For Robin's sake.

"Robin?"

"Yeah. I'm fine," Robin finally responds.

"No offense, but you don't seem fine." Robin shrugs her shoulders and keeps staring at the wall. "I'm worried about you."

"The only person that needs to worry about me is me," Robin curtly defends.

"You sure about that?" Lydia asks.

"Yes."

"You're pregnant aren't you?" Lydia blurts out, "That's why we switched the types of shots. That's why you've stopped drinking."

"It's none of your goddamn business!" Robin screams, and Lydia realizes it's the truth. She only gets defensive when she has something to hide.

"I'm the only person you see on a daily basis. As your camerawoman, don't you think I should know for your safety?" Lydia asks, and instantaneously, Robin shrinks back in guilt. She's not ready for the biggest secret she's ever kept to be out to anyone yet. But Lydia has a point. If she would collapse, or they would get into a sticky situation, her life might be in less danger.

"It's not my baby," Robin mumbles, deciding to give away as little information as possible. She can't look her in the eyes, so she stares at the smaller window. For the first time, she realizes how much this place doesn't feel like home.

"Ummm..." Lydia mumbles, trying to digest it all. That was not the reaction she expected. "So you're a surrogate?"

"No," Robin responds, willing anything to jump through the window so that the focus would come away from her. "I'm just not keeping it."

"Oh," Lydia mumbles. That fact makes Robin's reaction make much more sense.

"The dad wanted it, and he talked me into having it," Robin shares, still turned away from her. It makes Lydia wonder. She didn't even know Robin was seeing anyone. So anyone that could be the father wouldn't be anyone she could be serious about.

"A guy you've only seen a few times convinced you to keep a baby you don't want?" Her concern comes out harsher than it should, and she can see Robin sink further into the couch. She walks over to the couch, sitting down next to her. Neither says anything, but she grabs Robin's hand to show her support.

"He's my ex-husband," she finally admits. "If anyone asks you, you know nothing. Got it?" She bites her lip in nervousness and Lydia can tell just how important this is.

"Of course. My lips are sealed," Lydia promises. "I mean I don't get it, but I won't say a word."

"Thank you," Robin replies with a sigh.

"So can I get you some pickles and crispbread?"

Robin chuckles. Maybe this won't be so bad after all.

* * *

He couldn't believe that he was now halfway to becoming a father. He had now reached the point that he was just as far away from robins due date, as the day she told him.

Time had seemed to fly. On his own, he'd read parenting books on his phone, bought supplies and had them hidden in his apartment, and scheduled a conversion of suit room. He doesn't know why he was worried about keeping it a secret and hiding things. It didn't seem like his friends seemed to care.

Not once in the past four months did Lily or Tracy try to convince him that he should take the baby. His friends had been just as absent as they had been before his announcement. Yet, he doesn't care. Soon, he will meet his son or daughter, _their _son or daughter, and he can't wait. He is already in love, even though he has barely been involved. He'd at least feel like he isn't alone anymore. Like Robin will be with him all the time now. It's pathetic, but he doesn't care. He wants the experience now more than ever.


	4. The Birth

Chapter 4- The Birth

* * *

_There is no sweeter innocence _

_than our gentle sin_

* * *

"Ellie, I had no idea your mom wasn't thrilled about having you," Hunter apologizes. He thinks about all the things he's assumed over the years, and now, he feels so insensitive. "She doesn't seem like that now."

"She's not like that now," Ellie explains. "I know she loves me, and we've talked a lot, and I've forgiven her for her choices in my childhood, but it's taken her a long time and a lot of therapy to get there."

"I had no idea she traveled the world like that."

"She did," she smiles proudly.

"That's actually pretty cool," he contemplates. "Well, not for you, but cool."

"Nah, it's really cool," she agrees. "And I knew her when she was still traveling."

"You did?" he questions in shock. "I thought… you just said you didn't know who she was."

"No, I knew her. I just didn't know she was my mother."

"So she saw you after you were born?"

"Yes. I wish I could say my birth was the turning point of the story, but it was only the spark of the fire."

* * *

She may have traveled all over the world, but this flight may be the most uncomfortable she's ever been on a flight. She was lucky enough to be able to find an airline that would allow her to fly at 38 weeks, and Barney had upgraded her to first class, but she still is in terrible pain: her feet and ankles swollen, her back aching, something pushing on her bladder. The pain just makes her uncomfortable.

At least she can stretch herself out in the seat turned into bed.

Yet, she's more uncomfortable for other reasons than physical. Time is running out until she has to push Barney's baby out of her. In two weeks or less, she is going to be in the hospital, doing exactly what she never wanted to. The thought scares the hell out of her. She almost wishes that she could just get a c-section and get it over with. But, with Lydia's guidance, she realized that a Caesarian is a major surgery, and decided her goal is getting back to work. She would have a much shorter recovery time with a natural birth. Not only does she want to go back, but the less time that she is absent from news broadcasts, the better chance Barney has of keeping the secret. She's already worried about being gone now. Would anyone notice her month long absence?

Still, in two hours, she is going to be back in New York, on her way to her apartment that she had not visited in months. And she will be stuck there, alone, for most of her time there. She wouldn't dare go out in public and risk running into someone she knows, not this pregnant. Barney will visit all too frequently, to check up on her, but she doesn't want him to. She'd rather be alone than have to face him all the time. She wants to get this over with and move on.

* * *

Today is the day, the day that Robin comes back home. She was explicitly clear with her instructions. No picking her up at the airport, no arrangements for her to get home, no meeting her at her apartment. He had considered defying her, but he knew it was best not to mess with her, especially a very pregnant, and presumably cranky her.

It made it all very real. Not that he hadn't been looking forward to this time at all. Soon, Robin will change his life for the better. He will be a part of his group of friends again. He will have someone to focus his energy on. Someone to make life legendary again, at least in the long run.

Contrary to what the rest of his friends might believe, he is ready. The nursery is set up, stocked with everything he knows he is going to need, based on his experience with his nieces and nephews. A few pieces of gender neutral clothing fill the small closet that was added to the room, because Robin refused to find out the sex. Yet, he would be fine. As soon as the girls found out the baby was really staying, they would be showering him or her with plenty of gifts and some of their old clothing.

Yes, his life would change. Yes, he wouldn't be able to go to the bar anymore, but he gave that world up years ago. He gave up that world with Robin. Going back to that world to keep himself sane was the worst thing he had ever done. So at this point, this was the best he could ask for. If he couldn't have Robin, or any semblance of the normal life he got a taste of, he would take this. And maybe, just maybe, his luck would turn, and one look at the beautiful baby of theirs would change her mind.

He can only hope.

* * *

She barely gets the apartment door unlocked when the crippling back pain sets in. Any energy she had left after flying is gone, letting her stumble to the couch. She blames it all on the plane ride, after all, eight hours on a plane is fun on no one.

She tries her best to fall asleep, hoping that the pain will go away naturally.

It doesn't.

In minutes, she's in some of the most excruciating pain of her life. She debates what to do. She tries to stand up, but her feet refuse to hold her. At this point, her options are to call an ambulance, or call Barney. Her choice would be neither, but something is wrong. So she's left with the debate of which would be less embarrassing. For a few seconds, it's the ambulance. At least they wouldn't know her. She would be just a normal person to them. It doesn't take her long to realize that's not the case. She's a household name now. Everyone knows her.

She grabs at the coffee table for her phone, and that's when it happens. She's having her first contraction.

* * *

He's pacing, light from the TV almost blinding him. He has it on mute, playing a newscast of Robin's from last week. Looking at her, looking at the shot, you'd never know she is pregnant, let alone only a few weeks from her due date. The sight of her keeps him calm, keeps him from panicking about her being back in the city, and wanting nothing to do with him, until it's time to hand over the baby that is.

He's hoping she'll call, praying even. All he wants to know is that she landed safely, and made it back to her apartment. He should at least get to know that. She may not love him anymore, but he still loves her. He's always going to love her.

The sound of sandcastles in the sand breaks him out of his revelry. He'd never changed her ringtone. He couldn't bear to. He breathes a sigh of relief as he hits the answer button. Little does she know, she answered his prayers.

"Go for Barney," he answers, because he assumes it's what she wants.

A grunt of pain travels through the receiver, followed by a weak moan.

"I think I'm in labor."

"I'll be right there."

He bolts out the door, not a second thought given to anything, including Robin on loop on the TV.

* * *

When he finally sits down in the hospital waiting room, he lets out a huge breath he didn't know he was holding. Robin was in so much pain that he almost had to carry her out of her apartment. All he had been worried about was getting her there safely. He didn't even have time to register that the baby was coming, and fast. Robin insisted that he take a few minutes to himself and call the gang, and now that he thinks about it, probably to get his nerves out of her hair for a while. He was being quite overprotective, something that never flew with Robin, even when they had been married.

Surprisingly, she had been right. He needed the break. He needed a few minutes for it to sink in, and to call the gang, because, well, he knows that they need to be there.

It was in the last month or so that Lily and Tracy started getting involved, started trying to convince him to be a dad. He argued, of course, to keep up the act, so they insisted on being around for the birth. He thought it was a bit risky, but they didn't really give him a choice. He could just not call them, but then he would have to face them later. So he might as well just get it over with.

* * *

He doesn't know how long he's been gone, but a nurse comes running to get him.

"Mr. Scherbatsky?"

"It's Stinson," he growls under his breath, regretting the memory that comes flooding forward at the name.

"Sorry. Mr. Stinson. Her labor is progressing at a faster rate than we anticipated."

"And?" he questions.

"She is requesting you, and if you don't make it back soon, you may miss it."

He hurries behind her, not even thinking about his friends arriving. He wants to see his child being born. Boy or girl, healthy or not, he wants to see it all.

She quickly hands him the scrubs, and insists on him covering himself, and quickly shows him into the room where Robin is screaming in agony.

She sees him, and instantly has something to say.

"Why did I let you talk me into this?! This I why I never wanted to do this," she screams.

"You can do it," he encourages, grabbing her hand. "You are strong."

"No, I'm not," she argues, quickly pulling her hand away. "Stop patronizing me."

"You want me to leave?"

"No."

"Alright Robin, I need one more big push and you'll be done," the doctor tells her.

She strains her body, tensing her muscles hard than she ever has before. The pain, the same pain she never wanted to experience, rips through her. Then she's just throbbing, and she's hearing 'you're done'. She doesn't feel any different, other than still in a bit of pain.

"Congratulations," the doctor announces. "It's a girl. Dad, would you like to cut the cord?"

He does as asked, doing nothing but staring at the beautiful baby in the nurse's arms. He can't help but think if maybe, maybe she would have been born three years ago, she could have saved them.

"She's beautiful, Robin."

"I'm sure she is," Robin mutters, looking away from the scene at her lower half.

"Are you sure you don't want to hold her?" The nurse asks. Apparently, he had missed that conversation.

"Yes. I'm sure."

"We're going to get her cleaned up then."

"I'm going to go tell the gang then. I'll be right back, okay?"

She nods, looking exhausted as hell.

* * *

He returns, after quickly chatting to the gang, leading them on that he still wasn't in to this. The nurse fetches him quickly, remembering his name this time, thank goodness. He wouldn't want to have to explain that. Yet it isn't long until he's back in the room, and the nurse is putting the baby in Barney's arms.

He holds her skin to skin for a bit, just staring into her eyes, while Robin watches. She's unsure of what to think. She wants to love the scene in front of her, but it's not hers to love. Barney isn't here anymore. She gave that up, just like she's giving up the baby. It's the right thing for her to do for so many reasons.

"Robin. I know you don't do newborns-"

"I'm not changing my mind, Barney," she retorts, cutting him off almost immediately.

"I'm not asking you to. Just say hi. As her aunt."

"As her aunt?" she questions, eyebrows raised.

"Yes. As her favorite aunt," he insists. He wants so desperately for them to bond. He wants them to have a relationship, even if she's determined not to be mom. That's the outcome he's wishing for, but Robin Scherbatsky is one stubborn woman, so he's not counting on it.

"Okay," she agrees. "I can do that."

She nervously folds her arms, and Barney gently places her in Robin's arms.

"She is cute," she says, smiling at her. "She almost makes me want to stay."

"So do," he pleads, his eyes wide with hope.

"I can't do that Barney," she insists. "That was never a part of the plan.

"I know," he says, dejectedly. He pauses for a moment, staring at the two of them together. It's a scene he once secretly wished for, but this was never how he thought it would play out. "Can you promise me something, though?"

"What's that?" she asks, turning her attention to him.

"If you ever change your mind about the marriage and family thing, will you come back to us?" She gulps at the thought. She never considered the possibility of coming back. But it's not something she'd do. She loves her job. And Barney, well Barney was fine without her. It takes her a moment to think about how she is going to answer.

"Under one condition..." She pauses, waiting for him to acknowledge. "Her name is Ellie."

"Of course," he quickly agrees. He hadn't even thought about a name yet. Maybe because he spent so much time hoping that Robin would be with them and want to decide. "Her name will be Ellie."

"Okay," she sighs. "If I change my mind, you're the only ones I'll come back to."

"Thank you, Robin."

"You're welcome."

* * *

"Hey, Barney. Are you better?" Lily asks, rushing up to him.

"I'm a dad," he sighs, a small, yet proud smile giving him away.

"I knew you'd come through," Tracy says happily, while in the background, a begrudging Lily hands Marshall a twenty.

"Were you betting on me again?" he asks, pissed off at the thought. Oh, how little they really knew him.

"No..."

"It's fine guys. Cut the crap."

"You seem a bit on edge," Ted comments.

"Yeah, well, things didn't go quite the way I wanted them to in there," he moans, as he plops down on one of the uncomfortable waiting room chairs. The truth is, they didn't. He didn't convince Robin of anything. But that's not what he can tell them. Now he needs to tell them he's officially a single father. Officially.

"What happened?" Lily asks, now worried.

"Thirty-one. She looked at her, and well, decided that being a mom wasn't her thing."

"I'm so sorry Barney," Lily comforts him.

"So what happens next?" Marshall asks.

"She signed the birth certificate, and had a termination of parental rights signed and waiting for me to agree to."

"Do you want me to look them over?"

"No. I signed them already. I'm already in love with Ellie. There's no way I'm going to risk them taking her."

"Are you sure about this?" Tracy asks.

"As sure as I've ever been about anything. She's my daughter. I love her." A wave of sadness washes over him. If only she felt the same way.

* * *

Eventually, the gang leaves. They have their own kids to get back to after all.

He stares at the birth certificate paperwork. Ellie Alouette Stinson. October 25, 2019. Barney Stinson. Robin Scherbatsky. St. Mark's Hospital. Tomorrow he'd find a good lawyer, one that isn't Marshall, and make it all official, make sure her true birth certificate is sealed before anyone can find out otherwise.

But tomorrow is another day. Very much another day. His first day of being a dad.

* * *

The nurses were kind enough to make him up a bed in a spare room in the maternity ward. It gives him a start to wake up there, since the last time he had slept in a hospital, he had been in traction. But then he remembers why he's there. Ellie. His beautiful baby girl. She's all his now, all his to love and cherish. He wastes no time in jumping out of bed to go to the nursery. He wants to see her. He wants to see her beautiful face and eyes and fingers and toes.

There is so much to do, but the first and most important is taking her home.

One car seat and five infant care lessons later, he is handed the paperwork, and is free to go. It's a chilling feeling, and for a second, as he wonders if he made a mistake. Once he leaves, he will be alone, with her, forever. One glances downward, however, and the small face, gives him renewed confidence. One step, and he's out the door, and Ellie, she's officially going home.

* * *

It's a new day. Very new. She's alone again, and really, she's fine with that. No regrets.

In just a few short hours, she would be discharged, and the whole ordeal would be behind her. No more pregnancy. No more baby. Just her and the world again. And scotch. And cigars. She could certainly handle that.

She had been very, very lucky. She had an extremely short labor. Ellie was small, so she didn't need stitches. The doctor who delivered even thought about releasing her for work very soon. And, on top of all that, she went into labor as soon as she got off the plane. She couldn't have had better luck, besides maybe not getting pregnant in the first place.

She can't help but wonder though. How is Barney doing? Is he handling it all okay? Will they be okay together? She knew they would be. They would make it.

She climbs out of bed, finally finding her phone. If anything, she needs a distraction.

Except the one she finds. Five missed calls from Lily, two from Tracy and Marshall, and one from Ted. They wanted her to come. She's not sure why. To them, Ellie's mother is a random skank. Did they really think that she would want to witness that? She didn't want to witness what she already did.

It was time for her to create her alibi. Where would she be in the world? Preferably somewhere where she wouldn't have answered last night, and wouldn't have been able to return their call in the morning. It didn't leave her with many choices. But ironically, her last post, Moscow, would do the trick. It was like it was meant to be.

A quick press of the button, and Lily will be on the other end of the phone. She's ready.

"Robin! I'm so glad you finally called me back!"

"Yeah, what was the emergency?"

"Where are you?" Lily asks.

"Russia. I just got off of work. Why?"

"Oh," Lily sighs. "Never mind then. I was really hoping you could make it to the hospital with us."

"Lily-" Robin begins to argue. She had talked about this to Lily. She wasn't going to be there, not to them.

"It's fine. We were hoping that maybe you could convince him to keep her, but, he did it all on his own."

"He's a dad?" Robin asks, hoping she's playing along well enough. She also hopes that a nurse doesn't come trotting in. That would be unfortunate.

"Yeah. The bitch up and took off," Lily growls. The harshness in Lily's words makes her stomach turn. "I wanted to strangle her, make her realize what she was missing, but Barney wouldn't let me."

"That's probably for the best. I'm sure she made the decision that was best for her," Robin tries to explain, not sure who she's trying to convince.

"I don't know. I just don't know how she could have left that beautiful baby."

"Lily-" she stops her, because she can't hear any more of it. Lily's words have never hurt her quite so much before.

"I'm sorry," Lily catches herself. It makes sense that Robin wouldn't want to think of Barney's love child as beautiful. "She's hideous-"

"It's fine," Robin brushes off. "I'm fine. I chose work, he chose baby. Nothing's going to change that." She wonders what Lily would think to know just how much truth there was in that statement.

"You sure?"

"Yes." She hoped the answer didn't sound as unsure as it did in her head. "Look, Lil, I've got to go. I have a train to catch. Thanks for the news."

"Um, okay," she answers. Somehow, something's up. She can smell the poop, but she's not at all sure what it is, or even if she will ever get Robin to admit it. "I miss you Robin. If you ever decide to- I don't know- not be okay with any of this, I'm here."

"Gotcha. Thanks Lil."

"Bye."

"Bye." Robin sighs as she presses the end button. "Glad that's over."

* * *

From the cab ride, to the elevator, he had been on cloud nine. He couldn't have been happier. The happiness abruptly stops the minute he unlocks the door. There, on his wall, is Robin, talking about some foreign diplomats in Russia. His anger boils to the surface, wanting nothing more than to throw something, anything at his screen. Then Ellie starts fussing, which within seconds turns into a full on wail. She can hear her mother, and wants her, he surmises. He picks up the remote, clicks off the TV, and launches it at the fridge.

It makes a smaller, less noticeable dent, yet he can't help but be astonished. She had a way of causing dents without even being in the apartment.

He picks up the tiny, tiny Ellie, and cradles her as best he can. The tears start to fall from his eyes. He tries to stop them, but it's no use. They should be doing this together. They should be here with Ellie together, the way he used to imagine long before they even got divorced.

But life's not fair. It never had been to him. He had to get it together though. For Ellie.

For Ellie, he could do anything.


End file.
